Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
my being single is dangerous.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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