Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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