I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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