The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
