carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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