i was born a porn star she said
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
