: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
