Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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