Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
