haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
