Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
