The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
