So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
