I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
What drink are we having for lunch?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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