Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
