man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
