Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
