chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
