Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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