hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
