i wish starbucks made bloody marys
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
