Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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