I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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