somebody snuck up and got me drunk
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize