took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
