can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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