my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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