Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
