God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
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