my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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