My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
