she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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