i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
