every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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