FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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