You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
