my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
