I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize