That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
