A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I am one with the molecules
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
