dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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