He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
