i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
