explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
