mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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