high people should be assigned attendants
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
