In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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