i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Randomize
