I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
