I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize