when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
