chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
There r osticjed everywhere
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Randomize
