Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
