This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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