I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
