Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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