even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
