the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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