you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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